Who Knows What Marvel/Icon Comics Lurk In The Heart Of June 2012? I Know, Because I Have These Solicits. Let Me Show You Them.

Welcome to the inaugural post of a new feature I’m trying out after a fun round of livetweeting the DC solicits for June 2012. It’s basically a sort of Chris Vs. Previews type thing, but unlike he did, I don’t have the mainstay of creepy anime statues made as masturbation fuel for creeps.

I’ll make do.

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Avx: Vs #3 (of 6)
JEPH LOEB & CHRIS YOST (w)
ED MCGUINESS & TERRY DODSON (a)
COVER BY ED MCGUINESS
FIGHT POSTER VARIANT BY TERRY DODSON
• All fights, All the time!
• Black Widow vs. Magik!
• Colossus vs. Thing!
32 PGS./Rated T+ …$3.99

So let’s get this straight. Marvel’s big crossover is, in short, “The Avengers and the X-Men bash into each other while Matt Fraction, Jason Aaron, Ed Brubaker, Brian Michael Bendis, and Jonathan Hickman make ‘PEW! PEW! BSHHHHHH! GRAAAAAR! BRUDUDUDUDUDUDU! KREEEEEEEOWWWWW! SHAPAM! TCHAKAKA! BRRRRRRRRR!’ sounds, and we get whatever 3 artists we pull out of a hat to draw what results from that.”

And they need an extra series that is JUST FIGHT SCENES.

They have failed the concept.

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AVENGERS VS X-MEN #5 (of 12)
MATT FRACTION (W) • JOHN ROMITA JR (a)
Cover by JIM CHEUNG
Avengers Team Variant Also Available
X-Men Team Variant Also Available
Stegman Sketch Variant Also Available
• The fiery conclusion of Act One brought to you by Matt Fraction and John Romita Jr!
• Clashing on a lunar battlefield, the tide of the conflict will be turned…
• The Phoenix takes its host! All hope is lost?!
32 PGS./Rated T+ …$3.99

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AVENGERS VS X-MEN #6 (of 12)
JONATHAN HICKMAN (w) • OLIVIER COIPEL (a)
Cover by JIM CHEUNG
Variant Cover by NICK BRADSHAW
BRADSHAW SKETCH VARIANT ALSO AVAILIBLE
PROMO VARIANT BY OLIVIER COIPEL
Avengers Team Variant
ACT TWO BEGINS!
• Jonathan Hickman joins superstar artist Olivier Coipel (SIEGE) to launch
Act Two of the biggest Marvel event of the year!
• What is Pax Utopia?
• The Phoenix has come to Earth, and everything changes…
• And the Scarlet Witch enters the fray!
32 PGS./Rated T+ …$3.99

So Act Two begins around halfway through the maxiseries. Who wants to bet that the story won’t conclude in this miniseries, but in some bullshit AvX EPILOGUE one-shot?

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AVENGERS ACADEMY #31
CHRISTOS GAGE (W)
TOM GRUMMETT & TIMOTHY GREEN II (A)
COVER BY GIUSEPPE CAMUNCOLI
ASM IN MOTION VARIANT ALSO AVAILIBLE
• AVENGERS VS. X-MEN TIE-IN!
• Have the Academy students switched sides in the war with the mutants?
• Guest-starring Sebastian Shaw!
32PGS./Rated T …$2.99
AVENGERS ACADEMY #32
CHRISTOS GAGE (W)
TOM GRUMMETT & TIMOTHY GREEN II (A)
COVER BY GIUSEPPE CAMUNCOLI
• AVENGERS VS. X-MEN TIE-IN!
• There’s a Sentinel enrolled at the Academy. The X-Men want all Sentinels melted into slag. Uh-oh…
32PGS./Rated T …$2.99

No snark here, that is just an amazingly succinct summary that makes me want to read the hijinx that assumedly ensue.

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ULTIMATE COMICS SPIDER-MAN #11
BRIAN MICHAEL BENDIS (w)
DAVID MARQUEZ (a)
Cover by KAARE ANDREWS • Spider-Man teams up with the Prowler?
• Isn’t he a bad guy?!
32 PGS./Rated T+ …$3.99

A: This cover is the creepiest fucking thing, the Scorpion one being second in the way it tries to force you into believing that something so obviously fakey and CGI is in any way realistic.

B: 32 pages for 4 bucks will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever be worth it.

 SPIDER-MEN #1 & 2 (of 5)
BRIAN MICHAEL BENDIS (W)
SARA PICHELLI (A)
Issue #1
COMIC SHOP VARIANT ALSO AVAILIBLE
PICHELLI VARIANT ALSO AVAILIBLE
RAMOS VARIANT ALSO AVAILIBLE
Issue #2
MARTIN VARIANT ALSO AVAILIBLE
PICHELLI VARIANT ALSO AVAILIBLE
32 PGS. (EACH)/Rated T+ …$3.99 (EACH)

Who the hell are these solicits meant for? There’s no information about the story, not even the most vaguely worded of blurbs, or even a cover. Yes, the title could be said to be rather on the nose, but in the immortal words of Ice Cube, “never trust a big butt and a title.”

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AMAZING SPIDER -MAN: THE MOVIE #1 & 2
Written by Tom Cohen • Art by Neil Edwards
The Amazing Spider-Man premieres in theaters nationwide July 3, 2012!
• As Peter Parker swings into action as Spider-Man, he’s about to face his first challenge as a super hero!
• But how did he get there? Go “between the scenes” with this story-inspired and based upon the new The Amazing Spider-Man movie!
• Featuring Gwen Stacy, Captain George Stacy, Dr. Curt Connors and the rest of Amazing Spider-Man gang as they come to cinematic life!
32 PGS./Rated T+ …$2.99 (EACH)
Spider-Man, the Character TM & © 2011 Marvel Characters, Inc. The Amazing Spider-Man, the Movie © 2012 CPII. All Rights Reserved.

Yep, this exists, all right. You know, there are comics featuring the actual Spider-Man people could be buying, but since those will be several rotations into their own ass in the Ends Of The Earth storyline, seems they have no choice but to release this type of shit, fucking photo cover and all. Remember what happened when you simply introduced a new, accessible Iron Man series at the time Iron Man was coming up? Ask the dude who’s writing one fifth of your big ass punchup crossover this summer. It blew his ass right the fuck up, and he is now literally one of your top dogs, writing-wise.

Also, guess what most assuredly does not “come to cinematic life”? If you guessed pictures on a fucking page, you’re too smart for this marketing bullshit. What they probably mean is that the characters will be drawn to look like their cinematic counterparts, and not in that Salvador Larocca way where it’s just the result of the artist being a lazy piece of shit.

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AMAZING SPIDER-MAN #688
DAN SLOTT (w) • GIUSEPPE CAMUNCOLI (a/C)
LIZARD VARIANT Cover by J. SCOTT CAMPBELL
• No need to wait for the movie to see Spider-Man wrangle the reptilian rage of one of his greatest foes!
• Spider-Man is stuck between two monsters when Morbius the Living Vampire attempts to cure the Lizard and restore Curt Connors.
32 PGS./Rated T …$3.99

LOOK THE FUCK AT THAT.  A COMIC FEATURING ONE OF THE MAIN VILLAINS OF THE NEW MOVIE IN A PERMUTATION UNFAMILIAR, AND, GIVEN THAT IT’S DAN SLOTT, WELL-EXPLAINED AND INTERESTING(fuck’s sake, dude made me enjoy a comic about fucking Kaine, a stupid-ass piece of shit from the times when the Spidey comics were a shit-soaked Klein bottle of up-their-own-assedness orders of magnitude above where they’ll be when the Ends Of The Earth crossover is where it is this June) TO THE NEW AUDIENCE THAT COULD POTENTIALLY BE STOKED BY THE NEW MOVIE OUT THIS SUMMER.

Also, Camuncoli. His metal fingers are holding some hot shit. By which I mean he draws well.

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SCARLET SPIDER #6
CHRISTOPHER YOST (w) • RYAN STEGMAN (a&C)
• The book everyone is talking about!
• Kaine goes from hunter to hunted as the daughter of KRAVEN THE HUNTER takes on the Scarlet Spider!
• From the pages of SPIDER-ISLAND, Madame Web crashes into Kaine’s life – with dark visions of his road ahead!
32 PGS./Rated T+ …$2.99

You know, the interesting thing about Ben Reilly is thzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz- Saywha? Venom?

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VENOM #19
CULLEN BUNN & RICK REMENDER (w)
LAN MEDINA (a)
Cover by TONY MOORE
ASM IN MOTION VARIANT ALSO AVAILIBLE • Flash Thompson and Betty Brant are on the run and there’s nowhere to hide!
• Venom’s secret identity has been compromised… both to his enemies AND his friends!
• Cullen Bunn (WOLVERINE) teams with series regulars Rick Remender & Lan Medina as the Savage Six stage their most brutal attack on the people closest to Flash Thompson!
32 PGS./Rated T+ …$2.99

Now, Venom? Venom, at least as written by Rick Remender, is mad fuckin’ rad. Fuckin’ Ghost-Ridin’ Venom Hulks and shit.

Also, Amazing Fantasy 15’s Spidey story is being reprinted as part of a one-shot. Eh, seems like a good idea.

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CAPTAIN AMERICA AND…HAWKEYE #632
CULLEN BUNN (w)
ALESSANDRO VITTI (a)
Cover by PATRICK ZIRCHER
• The Hybrid Queen awakens-in a big way-and only Cap, Hawkeye, and Stegron (?!) stand in her way!
• And whose side is the mysterious Kashmir Vennema on? (Hint: It’s not Cap and Hawkeye’s!)
32 PGS./Rated T …$2.99

CAPTAIN AMERICA AND…IRON MAN #633
CULLEN BUNN (w)
BARRY KITSON (a)
Cover by KALMAN ANDRASOFSZKY
• Captain America and Iron Man head to Madripoor for a technology expo! What could possibly go wrong? Everything! That’s what!
• Especially when Batroc’s Brigade shows up and a technological nightmare threatens to brings the world to its knees!
32 PGS./Rated T …$2.99

Cullen Bunn, dinosaur-lizardy-type things, Batroc, and Barry Kitson? C’mon son. You got to get this into your life.

Also, Scourge is apparently back in Captain America, and Michael Lark is on Winter Soldier, meaning no Bettie Breitweiser, meaning who gives a fuck?

J.M. Demmateis is writing a Thor annual, which is cool. Simonson is doing covers for new issues of Mighty Thor, which is cool. Kieron Gillen is still writing Journey Into Mystery, which is cool. Hulk, Machine, man, and at least one She-Hulk are fighting Mayan gods, which is cool. Incredible Hulk is 4 bucks for 32 pages, so it can suck me. Fantastic 4 and the FF i’m not up on, so I have no fucking idea what the solicits mean, which would be a problem, but with the Fantastic 4, it’s kind of a feature instead of a bug. Invincible Iron Man has Larocca and is 4 bucks for 32, so it can suck me.

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Infernal Man-thing has Kevin Nowlan and no ads, so 4 for 32 is aight with me.

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DAREDEVIL IS THE FUCKING BEST, MONTH IN MONTH OUT.

Punisher looks boring as fuuuuuuuuuck.

There’s a Marvel Zombies thing that has Peter David, is 4 bucks for 32 pages, and is yet another fucking zombie series, so fuck that.

John Carter: Biggest Fucking Flop Ever, by Sam Humphries and Ramon Perez. I feel sorry for those guys.

Wolverine looks really cool.

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That shit’s Samnee, son. That’s good shit.

Deadpool is written by Daniel Way, so it’s definitely on my This Comic Can Eat Shit and Die pile, but Dave Johnson, man.

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also, Fury Max, which is Max, so I get the 4 buck price point. Not like it’ll make any semblance of a profit otherwise, unless people come to their fucking senses anytime soon.

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Also, there’s a Punisher 100 Bullets ripoff  one-shot that is somehow also part 1 of a 5 part series out, but whatever. EDIT: Just noticed he is said to be bringing his “unique vision” to the Punisher. Given that this “unique vision” is the untracable gun from 100 Bullets, I find this to be laughably bullshit.

Avarita and Supercrooks are ending, and a new Hit-Girl mini makes 3 Mark Millar series in one month from Icon alone, proving that God is dead and Satan is really good at making deadlines.

Seriously, fuck Mark Millar. Fuck him.

Also, please leave feedback. I really wanna know if this is something you’d like to see twice a month(one for DC, one for Marvel).

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One Response to Who Knows What Marvel/Icon Comics Lurk In The Heart Of June 2012? I Know, Because I Have These Solicits. Let Me Show You Them.

  1. zebrazygotes says:

    Personally, I avoid solicits and previews, but I’ll still read it if you do it.

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