Avengers Spoilers! (as written by a dude who has not seen the Avengers)

My brother recently saw Marvel’s Tyler Perry’s The Avengers, and he related to me the spoilers below. Do not read if you are not interested in spoilers.

  • As has been said in most reviews of the Avengers, the movie does indeed begin slowly. This is due to the large amount of time spent literally recapping the previous Avengers movies, in what is perhaps the second-largest “Previously On…” segment ever to appear in film. The record is still held by the 10-hour-plus beginning sequence of the as-yet-unreleased St. Elsewhere movie, wherein all the television shows that have been said to tie into the reality of St. Elsewhere over the years are recapped.
  • Agent Phil Coulson dies. He dies at least 3 times throughout the film, though none of the deaths are ever acknowledged by the other characters.
  • Yes, Pulp Fiction is referenced multiple times, most notably in the mid-film sequence where Iron Man accidentally shoots Agent Coulson in the head in his car, completely vaporizing Coulson’s head. Nobody seems to notice.
  • Much ado has been made about the first ending sequence, wherein Thanos is revealed as a possible villain for the second Avengers movie. However, there seems to be much less chatter about the second, America-only ending sequence, wherein The Avengers dine in a burger joint, which is then held up by Tim Roth and Amanda Plummer.
  • Stan Lee does indeed cameo in the film, during the comedic sequence where the Avengers host a pool party/recruitment drive. He tries out twice, both as one of the lesser-known heroes from his short-lived reality show Who Wants To Be A Superhero? and as Nightcat, the singer/superheroine whose comic book tie-in he wrote in the mid-nineties. He is rejected both times, but as Nightcat, he gets Tony Stark’s number. And for good reason, as he reportedly fills out the catsuit well. Very well.
  • During the aforementioned recruitment drive/pool party, there is a scene where a prospective hero dives into the pool, splashing the Avengers, who then lift their clipboards, having written numbers on them. The hero gets an average score of 6.5.
  • Other heroes introduced in the pool party scene: Doctor Strange(Benedict Cumberbatch, rebuffed by Tony Stark, who says “Well, we don’t need you right now, but if this were any other team, *turns to camera* you’d be a sure lock, homes.“), D-Man(Patrick Warburton), Wonder Man(Tom Cruise), Man-Thing(Ron Perlman; Sample dialogue: “And your powers?” *Man-Thing points to crotch* “Giant-Size.”), The Waffler(Daniel Tosh).
  • Final line: Cumberbatch’s Stephen Strange in the rubble of NYC. “Defenders… ASSEMBLE!” Caption: Stephen Strange will be back in… Wes Anderson’s Defenders!
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One Response to Avengers Spoilers! (as written by a dude who has not seen the Avengers)

  1. Kevin Hellions says:

    Nightcat?! A Nightcat reference?! In 2012?! I am beyond impressed sir.

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